The author of How to Be Alone on the joys of solitude, Skyping – and why having a dog isn't really cheating…
*How did you come to live the solitary life? Was it a sudden decision or did it evolve gradually?*
I didn't seek solitude, it sought me. It evolved gradually after my marriage broke down. I found myself living on my own in a small country village. At first I was miserable and cross. It took me between six months and a year before I noticed that I had become phenomenally happy. And this was about being alone – not about being away from my husband. I found out, for instance, how much I liked being in my garden. My subconscious was cleverer than my conscious in choosing to live alone. The discovery about solitude was a surprise in waiting.
*Yet isn't writing a book such as How to Be Alone a way of communicating with others, of not being alone?*
It is. Anthony Storr [author of Solitude: A Return to the Self] is right about companionship through writing and creative work. In my book about silence [A Book of Silence, 2008] I conclude that complete silence and writing are incompatible.
*How would you distinguish between solitude and loneliness?*
Solitude is a description of a fact: you are on your own. Loneliness is a negative emotional response to it. People think they will be lonely and that is the problem – the expectation is also now a cultural assumption.
*If someone has not chosen to be alone, is bereaved or divorced, do you think they can make solitude feel like a choice?*
It is possible. That has been my autobiography. They need more knowledge about it, to read about the lives of solitaries who have enjoyed it, to take it on, see what is good in it. Since I wrote about silence, many bereaved people have written asking: how do I do it? The largest groups of people living alone are women over 65 and separated men in their 40s. A lot of solitude is not chosen. It may come to any of us.
*Do you ever feel lonely?*
Very seldom because I have good friends and there are telephones and Skype. But broadband was down for a week over Christmas. I couldn't Skype the kids and did find myself asking: why didn't I go to my brother who had warmly invited me?
*So what was Christmas like on your own in rural Galloway?*
It was bliss. On Christmas Eve the tiny village five miles away has a nativity play. Young adults come home, it's a very happy event. On the day itself I drank a little bit more than I should have done sitting in front of my fire. I had a long walk. It was lovely…
*How much do you use the internet and social media?*
Social media not at all. But when broadband went I realised how excessively I use it. Without it, I read more. I'm making a big patchwork quilt. I did more that week than in the past three months. It made me realise I have got to get this online thing under control. When I first came here I had it switched off three days a week but that has slipped.
*You seem to lead a non-materialistic life. What three things would you most hate to lose from your shepherd's cottage?*
Last Christmas my son gave me a dragon hoodie – bright green with pink spikes. I'd be sad to lose it. I'd hate to lose photos of my children. And I'd be seriously sad to lose Zoe, my border collie. I took her on because she got out of control in an urban community. She was seeking a wilder, freer life.
*Yet in the book you suggest it's cheating on the solitary life to have a dog when you walk…?*
The pure soul probably doesn't have a dog. I have a dog but no television.
*You mention having suffered depression earlier in your life – was this related to lack of solitude?*
That is a correct reading, although I would not use it diagnostically. I'm deeply fond of my family but they put a high value on extroversion. I come from an enormous family and have spent a lot of time pretending I wasn't introverted.
*Yet deciding whether one is extrovert or introvert is not straightforward?*
Everyone has a differing need for solitude. I feel we haven't created space for children to find out what they need. I've never heard of being sent to your room as a reward. In my childhood – I had a happy home – being alone was thought weird. I'd like people to be offered solitude as an ordinary thing.
*Does being alone teach children to be alone?*
Yes, just as talk is the teacher of talk.
*You write: 'Most of us have a dream of doing something in particular which we have never been able to find anyone to do with us. And the answer is simple really: do it yourself.' What dream have you realised by yourself?*
The one thing I really don't like doing by myself is changing a double duvet… But I went up Merrick on my own – the highest hill in the area – a week after my mother died. A little voice kept saying: this is not safe, it is stupid. What happens if you break your ankle? What happens if you get lost? Doing it was a breakthrough. Another dream I am sad about. My brother and I used to sail a dinghy. He died and I wanted to sail alone. I went on a dingy course only to discover I'm not physically strong enough to right the dinghy were it to tip over.
*How does love fit into the solitary life?*
How much loving are people doing if they're socialising 24/7? And if the loving is only to be loved, what is unselfish about that? The fact you're on your own does not mean you are not loving.
*Your book is part of a self-help series. What book has helped you most?*
What an interesting question. Lots of stuff. Anything good. I have just been reading Alan Garner's phenomenally brilliant Boneland and A Voyage for Madmen [by Peter Nichols], an account of the people who sailed in the 1968 solo round-the-world race. They had the same circumstances: ill-equipped boats, not enough money, plenty of anxiety. Yet different people had different responses to the same thing. People are not righter or wronger – they're different. I've struggled with this all my life and, God, it's hard to grasp.
Sara Maitland's How to Be Alone is published by Macmillan, £7.99 and Moss Witch and other Stories by Comma Press, £9.99
Kate Kellawaytheguardian.com © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds Reported by guardian.co.uk 13 hours ago.
*How did you come to live the solitary life? Was it a sudden decision or did it evolve gradually?*
I didn't seek solitude, it sought me. It evolved gradually after my marriage broke down. I found myself living on my own in a small country village. At first I was miserable and cross. It took me between six months and a year before I noticed that I had become phenomenally happy. And this was about being alone – not about being away from my husband. I found out, for instance, how much I liked being in my garden. My subconscious was cleverer than my conscious in choosing to live alone. The discovery about solitude was a surprise in waiting.
*Yet isn't writing a book such as How to Be Alone a way of communicating with others, of not being alone?*
It is. Anthony Storr [author of Solitude: A Return to the Self] is right about companionship through writing and creative work. In my book about silence [A Book of Silence, 2008] I conclude that complete silence and writing are incompatible.
*How would you distinguish between solitude and loneliness?*
Solitude is a description of a fact: you are on your own. Loneliness is a negative emotional response to it. People think they will be lonely and that is the problem – the expectation is also now a cultural assumption.
*If someone has not chosen to be alone, is bereaved or divorced, do you think they can make solitude feel like a choice?*
It is possible. That has been my autobiography. They need more knowledge about it, to read about the lives of solitaries who have enjoyed it, to take it on, see what is good in it. Since I wrote about silence, many bereaved people have written asking: how do I do it? The largest groups of people living alone are women over 65 and separated men in their 40s. A lot of solitude is not chosen. It may come to any of us.
*Do you ever feel lonely?*
Very seldom because I have good friends and there are telephones and Skype. But broadband was down for a week over Christmas. I couldn't Skype the kids and did find myself asking: why didn't I go to my brother who had warmly invited me?
*So what was Christmas like on your own in rural Galloway?*
It was bliss. On Christmas Eve the tiny village five miles away has a nativity play. Young adults come home, it's a very happy event. On the day itself I drank a little bit more than I should have done sitting in front of my fire. I had a long walk. It was lovely…
*How much do you use the internet and social media?*
Social media not at all. But when broadband went I realised how excessively I use it. Without it, I read more. I'm making a big patchwork quilt. I did more that week than in the past three months. It made me realise I have got to get this online thing under control. When I first came here I had it switched off three days a week but that has slipped.
*You seem to lead a non-materialistic life. What three things would you most hate to lose from your shepherd's cottage?*
Last Christmas my son gave me a dragon hoodie – bright green with pink spikes. I'd be sad to lose it. I'd hate to lose photos of my children. And I'd be seriously sad to lose Zoe, my border collie. I took her on because she got out of control in an urban community. She was seeking a wilder, freer life.
*Yet in the book you suggest it's cheating on the solitary life to have a dog when you walk…?*
The pure soul probably doesn't have a dog. I have a dog but no television.
*You mention having suffered depression earlier in your life – was this related to lack of solitude?*
That is a correct reading, although I would not use it diagnostically. I'm deeply fond of my family but they put a high value on extroversion. I come from an enormous family and have spent a lot of time pretending I wasn't introverted.
*Yet deciding whether one is extrovert or introvert is not straightforward?*
Everyone has a differing need for solitude. I feel we haven't created space for children to find out what they need. I've never heard of being sent to your room as a reward. In my childhood – I had a happy home – being alone was thought weird. I'd like people to be offered solitude as an ordinary thing.
*Does being alone teach children to be alone?*
Yes, just as talk is the teacher of talk.
*You write: 'Most of us have a dream of doing something in particular which we have never been able to find anyone to do with us. And the answer is simple really: do it yourself.' What dream have you realised by yourself?*
The one thing I really don't like doing by myself is changing a double duvet… But I went up Merrick on my own – the highest hill in the area – a week after my mother died. A little voice kept saying: this is not safe, it is stupid. What happens if you break your ankle? What happens if you get lost? Doing it was a breakthrough. Another dream I am sad about. My brother and I used to sail a dinghy. He died and I wanted to sail alone. I went on a dingy course only to discover I'm not physically strong enough to right the dinghy were it to tip over.
*How does love fit into the solitary life?*
How much loving are people doing if they're socialising 24/7? And if the loving is only to be loved, what is unselfish about that? The fact you're on your own does not mean you are not loving.
*Your book is part of a self-help series. What book has helped you most?*
What an interesting question. Lots of stuff. Anything good. I have just been reading Alan Garner's phenomenally brilliant Boneland and A Voyage for Madmen [by Peter Nichols], an account of the people who sailed in the 1968 solo round-the-world race. They had the same circumstances: ill-equipped boats, not enough money, plenty of anxiety. Yet different people had different responses to the same thing. People are not righter or wronger – they're different. I've struggled with this all my life and, God, it's hard to grasp.
Sara Maitland's How to Be Alone is published by Macmillan, £7.99 and Moss Witch and other Stories by Comma Press, £9.99
Kate Kellawaytheguardian.com © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds Reported by guardian.co.uk 13 hours ago.