Ditch the detox junk and chia seeds and pour yourself a bloody mary. It's even got one of your mythical five a day in it …
1. Read as much as possible about detoxing, cleansing, recharging and cutting out all food that is harmful. That is basically all food. Except chia seeds. I have no idea what they are but I may at some point visit what my teenager calls "the dirty hippy shop" (our local health food store) to ask.
Still, all this research and thinking about walking around the corner not only burns calories but makes me glow with moral superiority.
2. Chat a lot to your friends on Facebook, Twitter and some new social media thing that you may have to spend hours downloading about things that you should be giving up. Note their tips and be amazed how they all claim never to be hungry. And to love porridge. Don't call them liars or point out that if they are doing WeightWatchers and using 22 of their 24 points on chablis, this may not be the best diet. Because you need to stay pure
3. Going on holiday to a place that has excellent cocktails is a great way to start a retox. Because … fruit! Five a day may be a myth but not when it comes to bloody marys or pomegranate martinis. You will start to feel the benefits of them almost immediately.
4. It's not easy. You may experience a bit of a comedown as I did, when I realised Action on Sugar was not the name of a band and did have to rethink. If sugar is the new heroin what about the old heroin? But they don't put that in cereal or prawn cocktail crisps. OR DO THEY?
5. This is where mindfulness comes in. Or any bit of faux Buddhism. Once you realise that all your cravings are caused by the drug of sugar you can let them pass through you like a ripple through a pond while eating a Twix.
6. The essential part of any retox is not rocket science, its sub-Gove GCSE science. What exactly do you think the toxins are that need removing? Various expensive supplements promise to get rid of everything from exhaust fumes to pesticides from your body. Mostly they promise to make you pee more. Drinking more water or even beer makes you pee more. If your liver and kidneys are really not working, we have a problem, Houston, one that will not be solved by pills from Holland and Barrett
7. Exercise. Hello middle-aged people sweating in the park. Bang down those joints on concrete, why don't you? I note that jogging is now called running but the net effect is that in a few months' time these people will be at their GP's with sudden knee pain. Running, or what I call "showing off outdoors" is ever more elaborate. It is now accompanied by dogs and babies. And worse, obscene stretching that should not be done in public. Only yesterday I saw a man posing in an odd yoga postion that could only be called Urinating Dog.
8. Unless you actually have a serious disease, contrary to most detox junk, you may assume a balanced diet will not exclude an entire food group for ever. But that makes too much sense, so just for the hell of it, ban something and bang on about it. Wheat and dairy are old hat, so say you are allergic to pheasant and dominate every conversation with thrilling anecdotes about you break out in hives when given game.
9. During this difficult time, there may be those who try to stop your retox. Sorry to say these people are not your friends. They may be body brushing to stimulate their lymphatic systems but can any of then explain how the system actually works? Give them up. Yes, it's life-changing. These are the same kind of people who bore on about internet addiction and cluttering up your mind. With facts.
10. Role models. Detoxers have the immortals. The stars themselves. The barrel of laughs that is the Gynweth brigade. Retoxers have Kingsley Amis, who when asked about giving up his beloved single malt said: "No pleasure is worth giving up for the sake of two more years in a geriatric home at Weston-super-Mare." Chin chin. Reported by guardian.co.uk 9 hours ago.
1. Read as much as possible about detoxing, cleansing, recharging and cutting out all food that is harmful. That is basically all food. Except chia seeds. I have no idea what they are but I may at some point visit what my teenager calls "the dirty hippy shop" (our local health food store) to ask.
Still, all this research and thinking about walking around the corner not only burns calories but makes me glow with moral superiority.
2. Chat a lot to your friends on Facebook, Twitter and some new social media thing that you may have to spend hours downloading about things that you should be giving up. Note their tips and be amazed how they all claim never to be hungry. And to love porridge. Don't call them liars or point out that if they are doing WeightWatchers and using 22 of their 24 points on chablis, this may not be the best diet. Because you need to stay pure
3. Going on holiday to a place that has excellent cocktails is a great way to start a retox. Because … fruit! Five a day may be a myth but not when it comes to bloody marys or pomegranate martinis. You will start to feel the benefits of them almost immediately.
4. It's not easy. You may experience a bit of a comedown as I did, when I realised Action on Sugar was not the name of a band and did have to rethink. If sugar is the new heroin what about the old heroin? But they don't put that in cereal or prawn cocktail crisps. OR DO THEY?
5. This is where mindfulness comes in. Or any bit of faux Buddhism. Once you realise that all your cravings are caused by the drug of sugar you can let them pass through you like a ripple through a pond while eating a Twix.
6. The essential part of any retox is not rocket science, its sub-Gove GCSE science. What exactly do you think the toxins are that need removing? Various expensive supplements promise to get rid of everything from exhaust fumes to pesticides from your body. Mostly they promise to make you pee more. Drinking more water or even beer makes you pee more. If your liver and kidneys are really not working, we have a problem, Houston, one that will not be solved by pills from Holland and Barrett
7. Exercise. Hello middle-aged people sweating in the park. Bang down those joints on concrete, why don't you? I note that jogging is now called running but the net effect is that in a few months' time these people will be at their GP's with sudden knee pain. Running, or what I call "showing off outdoors" is ever more elaborate. It is now accompanied by dogs and babies. And worse, obscene stretching that should not be done in public. Only yesterday I saw a man posing in an odd yoga postion that could only be called Urinating Dog.
8. Unless you actually have a serious disease, contrary to most detox junk, you may assume a balanced diet will not exclude an entire food group for ever. But that makes too much sense, so just for the hell of it, ban something and bang on about it. Wheat and dairy are old hat, so say you are allergic to pheasant and dominate every conversation with thrilling anecdotes about you break out in hives when given game.
9. During this difficult time, there may be those who try to stop your retox. Sorry to say these people are not your friends. They may be body brushing to stimulate their lymphatic systems but can any of then explain how the system actually works? Give them up. Yes, it's life-changing. These are the same kind of people who bore on about internet addiction and cluttering up your mind. With facts.
10. Role models. Detoxers have the immortals. The stars themselves. The barrel of laughs that is the Gynweth brigade. Retoxers have Kingsley Amis, who when asked about giving up his beloved single malt said: "No pleasure is worth giving up for the sake of two more years in a geriatric home at Weston-super-Mare." Chin chin. Reported by guardian.co.uk 9 hours ago.